Procrastiblog

My faith in reality television is shattered.

Are you psyched for the finale?! If Ilan wins, I think I might cry. Here’s my attempt at an objective assessment.

Marcel

Pros: He’s creative and interesting. He has a sense of humor about himself and a remarkably professional attitude towards those who teased, taunted, and assaulted him. His colleagues at The Mansion seem to respect him, even if none of his fellow contestants did. He kicked ass last week.

Cons: He didn’t make a single memorably delicious-seeming dish all season. He seems to lack some basic cooking chops and gets lost when he doesn’t have access to xanthan gum or a thermal immersion circulator. He made foams at least as often as Sam made pickles. And, it must be noted, almost everybody on the show hated him.

Ilan

Pros: He seems to be a skilled cook. He has prepared several dishes through the season that look delicious and which the judges all enjoyed. He showed some leadership skills in the course of the season.

Cons: The leadership he showed was in inspiring others to hate Marcel. So, more your cold prickly Hitler-y leadership,* not your warm fuzzy FDR-y stuff. He’s an asshole. Every successful dish he made (e.g., paella, fideos) could have come (did come?) from the menu of his restaurant. The things he made that weren’t classic Spanish recipes (e.g., chocolate-covered liver) were often disgusting. Both Gail and Padma seemed ready to send him home last week.**

My Prediction: Marcel by a nose.***

Bonus Prediction: The final Elimination Challenge will not bring back previously eliminated contestants to work under the finalists: this set-up hurt Tiffani’s chances last year (recall that all four helper chefs, including her own teammates, picked Harold to win) and it would probably be ruinous to Marcel. I could swear there was promo footage of Stephen Asprinio towards the beginning of the season… Maybe they’ll bring back last year’s contestants as kitchen helpers? Stephen and Marcel would make a great team…

* Hell yeah, I just went there.
** Although I am typically a very credulous reality television viewer, I must say that choosing Ilan over Sam last week seems to betray an interest in “good television” over “good food.”
*** The “by a nose” bit is meaningless. The judge’s always present it as if it’s “by a nose,” especially in the finale.

UPDATE: I meant to say, also, that it is obviously the case that neither Marcel nor Ilan can hold a candle to Harold (or even Tiffani) (and probably Lee Anne). That said, I will note that this is a cooking-themed reality television show and not an objective search for the Best Chef in the Universe. (I believe that’s called The Next Food Network Star.) You gotta play them as they lay.

Wow, I thought Sam was going to take it. Marcel really stepped up and cooked this week. And Elia took a nose dive, from sweet and talented to just another bully to clawing desperately on her way out. What is wrong with her? And what is wrong with Ilan? Which do you think is more debilitating: Ilan’s inability to sac up and just pretend Marcel doesn’t exist, or Ilan’s inability to cook anything that doesn’t contain saffron?

P.S. There goes the prevailing Internet theory that the timeline manipulation (and ex post Elia-cropping) in the last episode was meant to whitewash Elia’s involvement in the whole affair because she was the winner… What’s the deal, Bravo? Because, if Ilan wins, none of your editing did anything to make him look any less like a quivering sack of shit… And it’s got all the Internets confused and paranoid…

I wasn’t going to blog about this week’s Top Chef—partly because Tom Colicchio already said pretty much exactly what I was thinking—but I’m doing some late-night web surfing while I wait for some evening coffee to wear off and I come across this stunning little factoid: the footage was edited in a way that tends to cast the participants in the “prank” in a more positive light (WTF?): they were yucking it up and shaving their heads after Cliff assaulted Marcel and, according to Marcel, the assault didn’t end when he broke free and left the room. (Via Reality Blurred and Java Junkie.) From there, things get way out of hand… We have people analyzing the lighting and video quality in the footage and digging up new conspiracies.

And here’s an interview—conducted before this episode aired, but months after the events depicted—with Sam, Ilan, and Cliff being totally unrepentant (which you might also guess from Ilan’s—possibly fake—MySpace page). Way to class it up, boys.

P.S. Besides being a passive-aggressive jack-off, I couldn’t believe Sam’s whole wuss-bag, “I’ll do it if you do. No, not really. You guys are crazy!” attitude about the head shaving. It’s “crazy” to cut your hair really short? Even for a man? (And how long was Ilan’s hair, anyway? About two inches?) Maybe it’s “crazy” when your lustrous, flowing tresses got you voted New York’s Sexiest Chef…?