Procrastiblog

Never make dessert people. Never make dessert! This shouldn’t even have to be a rule (though it is, Corollary #2.2), every single person who has ever watched Top Chef knows it in their bones. Don’t make dessert.

The persistent delusion amongst the cheftestants that making dessert gets you a “free pass” is inexplicable. Richard got eliminated for a dessert last week. (Remember him, Alex? He wrote you a letter and you cried?) The only support I can find for this notion is last year’s “Wedding Wars” episode, where the cake makers (Stephanie and Lisa, as I recall) were both considered strong team performers.

That said, this week’s challenge was ridiculous. If it had just been about the culinary aspects of the challenge (keep it simple, be prepared, make it fast (but don’t rush), etc.), that would be fair enough, but to judge a cooking competition based on host/camera rapport… it’s just lowbrow. The challenge heavily favored egomaniacal extroverts and those with television/live demo experience—not necessarily the best chefs. Jamie ended up in the bottom three primarily because she failed to remain chipper and upbeat, a morning-show mortal sin. Sure, her eggs weren’t cooked, but come on: no TV chef has ever cut a corner and rushed a dish when the clock was running out?

I enjoyed Melissa’s total perpuzzlement at the critique of her too-hot habeñero sauce. I wonder if her palate is so inured to capsaicin that she really didn’t know what they were talking about? When a South Indian girl like Padma can’t handle the heat in your dish, you’ve gone too far.

Note to Danny: You want to be Bobby Flay, but actually you’re Rupert Pupkin.

Finally, a new rule:

Rule #9: You’ve got to know what an amuse bouche is. No excuses. Amuses only come up in Quickfires, so you won’t get eliminated on this rule, but follow it anyway, for your dignity’s sake.

[UPDATE] Alex kept saying, “I should have stuck to my guns”. What are your guns in this metaphor, Alex? Which guns? Where? What are you talking about?!

Richard loses on Sub-Corollary #4.2.1 (Don’t be cute with culinary terminology—is anything more essential to a S’more than melted marshmellow?) and, as an off-camera bonus, Rule #1 (Never make a salad). The S’mores reminded me a bit of Erik’s corn dogs (Season 4): a reasonably tasty foodstuff that was entirely inappropriate to the occasion. In both cases, the dish was never going to hold up after sitting on a buffet.

Not much more to say this week. The challenge this week was really pretty sadistically difficult. I was pleased, if a bit extra-perplexed, that the show didn’t even try to pretend it wasn’t Thanksgiving in July (apparently, Tom Colicchio feels obligated to continue to maintain the pretense). BTW, it’s really unfair that the judges often fault the cheftestants for using “out of season” ingredients when they are cooking seasonal meals in the wrong season.

P.S. A non-rule bit of guidance: foam never helps.

I think Padma confirms my theory that Jill talked (read: inarticulately blathered) herself into elimination last week in the following interview (via Amuse-Biatch).

Vodpod videos no longer available.

P.S. Top Chef blogging will be delayed this week, because I will be at my grandmother’s for Thanksgiving and her Internet connectivity is dodgy. As a preaction, I will say that I am always distracted by holiday specials that are obviously produced months in advance, so everybody has to put on a sweater and pretend it’s Thanksgiving in July. I do not expect anybody to learn any lessons from the Season 2 Thanksgiving catastrophe.

P.P.S. Has Stefan forsaken me? :’-(

Jill loses on Rule #2 (Never make something you’ve never made before: “An ostrich egg quiche? That’s got to be good! Hey, how do you open this thing?”). I also think she got herself Eliminated at Judges’ Table (see Rule #8, below)—judging by what was on the plate, it probably should have been Hosea, who blundered into making something everybody hated (and he thought it should have won!).

Some additions and amendments:

The main text of Corollary #2.1 should be amended to include the following: If you have to choose between interesting and delicious, choose delicious. If you have to choose between difficult and delicious, choose delicious.

Rule #3 should be amended to read: Never be a culinary student, a caterer, a Mom, or a seafood chef.

And some new rules:

Rule #7: If your plan leaves you stuck with an inferior product, change your plan. For example: your fresh Dungeness crab salad might be a winner, a canned crab salad won’t be. Just ask: Spike and his frozen scallops (Season 4).

Rule #8: Be prepared to defend your dish at Judges’ Table. Be prepared to tell them why you thought it would be good. Also be prepared to tell them why it wasn’t entirely successful (even if you liked it). Delusional tirades do not go down well. Nor does incoherent rambling about how you’ll try to do better next time, somehow, maybe, if you can only clear your head. Just ask: Jill, tonight, and Ryan (Season 4).

P.S. Top Chef producers: please define “hot dog”? Is a hot dog any kind of sausage (not necessarily in a casing) on any kind of bread? And what value, exactly, was added by having the hot dog stand lady there during the Quickfire?

P.P.S. Did anybody understand what in the hell Fabio did to those olives? When that dish came out I thought, “beef carpaccio with arugula? Lazy. (Delicious, but lazy.)” Then the judges freaked out over the olives, which they said were like egg yolks. How? Why? And how?