Procrastiblog

Richard loses on Sub-Corollary #4.2.1 (Don’t be cute with culinary terminology—is anything more essential to a S’more than melted marshmellow?) and, as an off-camera bonus, Rule #1 (Never make a salad). The S’mores reminded me a bit of Erik’s corn dogs (Season 4): a reasonably tasty foodstuff that was entirely inappropriate to the occasion. In both cases, the dish was never going to hold up after sitting on a buffet.

Not much more to say this week. The challenge this week was really pretty sadistically difficult. I was pleased, if a bit extra-perplexed, that the show didn’t even try to pretend it wasn’t Thanksgiving in July (apparently, Tom Colicchio feels obligated to continue to maintain the pretense). BTW, it’s really unfair that the judges often fault the cheftestants for using “out of season” ingredients when they are cooking seasonal meals in the wrong season.

P.S. A non-rule bit of guidance: foam never helps.

I think Padma confirms my theory that Jill talked (read: inarticulately blathered) herself into elimination last week in the following interview (via Amuse-Biatch).

Vodpod videos no longer available.

P.S. Top Chef blogging will be delayed this week, because I will be at my grandmother’s for Thanksgiving and her Internet connectivity is dodgy. As a preaction, I will say that I am always distracted by holiday specials that are obviously produced months in advance, so everybody has to put on a sweater and pretend it’s Thanksgiving in July. I do not expect anybody to learn any lessons from the Season 2 Thanksgiving catastrophe.

P.P.S. Has Stefan forsaken me? :’-(

Jill loses on Rule #2 (Never make something you’ve never made before: “An ostrich egg quiche? That’s got to be good! Hey, how do you open this thing?”). I also think she got herself Eliminated at Judges’ Table (see Rule #8, below)—judging by what was on the plate, it probably should have been Hosea, who blundered into making something everybody hated (and he thought it should have won!).

Some additions and amendments:

The main text of Corollary #2.1 should be amended to include the following: If you have to choose between interesting and delicious, choose delicious. If you have to choose between difficult and delicious, choose delicious.

Rule #3 should be amended to read: Never be a culinary student, a caterer, a Mom, or a seafood chef.

And some new rules:

Rule #7: If your plan leaves you stuck with an inferior product, change your plan. For example: your fresh Dungeness crab salad might be a winner, a canned crab salad won’t be. Just ask: Spike and his frozen scallops (Season 4).

Rule #8: Be prepared to defend your dish at Judges’ Table. Be prepared to tell them why you thought it would be good. Also be prepared to tell them why it wasn’t entirely successful (even if you liked it). Delusional tirades do not go down well. Nor does incoherent rambling about how you’ll try to do better next time, somehow, maybe, if you can only clear your head. Just ask: Jill, tonight, and Ryan (Season 4).

P.S. Top Chef producers: please define “hot dog”? Is a hot dog any kind of sausage (not necessarily in a casing) on any kind of bread? And what value, exactly, was added by having the hot dog stand lady there during the Quickfire?

P.P.S. Did anybody understand what in the hell Fabio did to those olives? When that dish came out I thought, “beef carpaccio with arugula? Lazy. (Delicious, but lazy.)” Then the judges freaked out over the olives, which they said were like egg yolks. How? Why? And how?

Josh Friedland arrives late to the emulsion debate, drags Alan Davidson and Harold McGee into it, and winds up getting it wrong:

Stefan was wrong. A vinaigrette is an emulsion.

The correct answer was:

Stefan is arguably right, but he’s being an asshole.

This was a drunken late-night pissing contest. The standard of proof is not, “does there exist an interpretation of the word emulsion which falsifies Stefan’s claim?” The standard of proof is, “(a) do you have a douchey beard? and (b) does Stefan have a leg to stand on?”

And the answer is, yes, you do, and yes, he does. The distinction here is between a strong or stable emulsion and a weak or unstable emulsion. It is possibly, through cunning and chemistry, to emulsify a vinaigrette to the point where it will remain stable for several days, but that’s nothing compared to butter, margarine, mayonnaise, or magma.

Get on the right side now, because the strong will annihilate the weak.

Let me take a stab at blogging Top Chef this year… though I’m not particularly excited for this season and last night didn’t get my hopes up. There’s a well-known tendency for competition reality shows to get stale after a few seasons and Top Chef is no exception. I think it’s not because the challenges have gotten repetitive (they have, but they’re usually fairly interesting), but because one grows weary of watching the cheftestants make the same mistakes over and over again.

Here’s a few quick guidelines for the cheftestants of the future.

Rule #1: Never make a salad. If it’s great, it’s just a salad. If it’s not great, you’re going home. Just ask: Lauren, last night; Carlos (Season 2). [UPDATE] I forgot Marcel (Season 2), who probably would have been the Top Chef if he hadn’t served a salad (with a failed attempt at a vinaigrette “teardrop”) in the finale.

Rule #2: Never make something you’ve never made before. Especially not some random Chinese noodle you just assume will work in your dish. Just ask: Patrick, last night.

Corollary #2.1: Don’t assume you’ll get bonus points just for trying. Daring counts for very little.

Corollary #2.2: Never make dessert. You’re probably not good at it.

Rule #3: Never be a culinary student, a caterer, or a Mom. For obvious reasons. Just ask: Patrick, Betty (Season 2), Antonia (Season 4).

Rule #4: Never make risotto. The judges can be persnickety and risotto is easy to nitpick. Just ask: Howie (Season 3).

Corollary #4.1: If you make a risotto, make it Rocco Dispirito’s way. Otherwise, his face might betray an emotion.

Corollary #4.2: Never try to be cute and call something that’s not risotto a risotto. That’s not cute. Just ask: Almost everybody last night.

Sub-Corollary #4.2.1: Don’t be cute with culinary terminology in general. Especially French culinary terminology. Just ask: Casey and her non-coq au vin (at the French Culinary Institute!) (Season 4).

Rule #5: Never be the team leader. If your teammates fuck you, you’ll probably take the fall. Just ask: Tre (Season 3), Dale (Season 4).

Rule #6: Never try to shift the blame. Aka the “under the bus” rule. It never works, and it makes you look like a jerk. Just ask: Dale (Season 4), Elia (Season 2).

In closing, I would like to attempt to unpack Stefan’s assertion that a vinaigrette is not an emulsion. (My first instinct is to say Daniel loses the argument by virtue of having douchey notches cut out of his beard. But let’s follow this through.) An emulsion is “a stable suspension of small droplets of one liquid in another” with which it does not mix. For example: mayonnaise. Although a vinaigrette is undeniably “emulsified,” it is not stable (i.e., the vinegar and oil begin to separate almost immediately if left to sit), and therefore not an “emulsion.”

So Stefan is arguably right, but he’s being an asshole. My kind of asshole.